As I scroll through proofs from a recent photo shoot, my heart is warmed by image after image of my (mostly) smiling family.
And then, I see this one.
My immediate thought is one of confusion…who is this thin woman holding my daughter’s hand?
And then my heart sinks as I realize…it’s me.
I did not recognize my own body in the photograph.
It’s a reminder that there is still a monster lurking inside me.
That I still cannot trust what I see in the mirror every day.
That recovery is never truly over.
That I must remain vigilant for the sake of my daughter.
My struggle with eating disorders began my senior year of college. It started gradually, first simply as a diet to get ready for a cruise with my sorority sisters, and quickly became a way to cope with stressful life changes…grad school, work, marriage. It took the stark realization that I could not have the family I wanted until I loved myself first for me to get serious about getting help. It took two years of hard work to get to a point where I felt I could consider starting a family, and two more years before my wish came true.
And yes, I have a daughter now.
Her beautiful face is a constant reminder that I need to look beyond myself. That there is no room to slip because she will see it. To think that she could learn to treat her own body the way I treated mine is unbearable. So I’ve taken what I learned in all those hours of therapy and come up with a few truths to share with other mothers of beautiful girls (and boys, too).
First and foremost?
Remember: Actions Speak Louder Than Words
You can say all the right things to your daughter. Tell her she’s beautiful just the way she is, that it’s what’s on the inside that really matters, that weight is just a number. You can read all the parenting books that say to emphasize brains over beauty when talking to your girls. But if your daughter sees you obsessing over your own appearance, stressing over every calorie, cataloguing every fault, all your lip service has been for naught. Why should she love herself if her own mother can’t do the same?
I’m by no means saying it’s wrong to spend time getting dressed, putting on makeup, etc. Seeing you take pride in your appearance is important, too! Just be aware of the message you send when you are hyper-critical of yourself in front of her. That’s her Mama you are talking about!
Here are some more ways to be a positive body-image role model for your children:
- If you can’t say anything nice (about yourself)…don’t say anything at all! Cutting out the negative self-talk we all have in our minds is especially hard for someone with an ED. I still catch myself making self-depricating comments on occasion. Just remember, your voice will eventually become the voice in her head, but the comments will be directed at herself.
- Throw away your scale. This is not just for people with a history of eating disorders. If you can’t bear to part with it, put it up in the closet. Even if you are dieting, you shouldn’t be weighing every day. And your children should not see your happiness hinged to a fluctuating number. No, no, no.
- Speaking of dieting… I’ve seen mamas who start a diet and broadcast it to the world. Even to the point of posting their daily caloric intake to Facebook. What message is this sending to their daughters? Dieting is obviously a no-no for someone with a history of disordered eating, but can quickly become an unhealthy obsession for others, too. If you need to lose weight, it’s a much better tactic to slowly make healthy changes to your cooking and exercise regimen that you know you can sustain for the long run. Tell your kids you are doing it to be healthy, not skinny. And please, don’t take diet pills in front of your daughter. They see it, and they know you do it. And they will want to do it too.
- Stop watching reality television. And bringing home all the celeb gossip magazines from the grocery store. I was a gossip JUNKIE when I was practicing unhealthy behaviors, and I know it was directly feeding the disorder! Come back to the real world and find people who don’t make a living from their appearance to admire and emulate! Do you really want these people to be role models for your children, too?
To be sure, there are things I still need to work on. I still tend to skip meals when I get busy with the kids, and they need to see me eat a full lunch every day. I don’t currently exercise outside of chasing toddlers (which is quite enough cardio these days), but when I do I will have to be careful not to turn it into an obsession. And because my skin is STILL haywire from my pregnancy almost two years ago, it’s sometimes hard for me to smile at the face I see in the mirror. But I will. I have to. Because I have a daughter now. And I refuse to be afraid.
You are beautiful-inside and out- and you are setting a beautiful example for your girl. i have made a point of not saying anything self-depracating about myself in front of my girls. And one day my little girl saw my c/s scar and kissed it so gently, it made me tear up and feel so proud of it
Excellent post and thank you so much for sharing. I think as mothers we all need reminders on body image. Happy holidays to you and your lovely family!!
@littleislandstu
Stephanie! I got a little teary eyed reading your post
thank you for having the courage to write this and sharing it with the world. You have always been beautiful and will continue to be beautiful inside and out. Love you!
Thanks for sharing Stephanie, I got a little choked up reading this post. All of us mom’s of daughters share you desire to be a positive role model and help our daughters grow up to be strong, self-confident women. This was a good reminder about how our behavior will have a direct impact on our daughters’ future behavior, especially when it comes to body image.
My beautiful friend, I love you and your strength. Thanks for this.
thank you for sharing such a personal and such and important post. I’m sharing this on the Sunday Parenting Party Board and my FB page
Thank you! I’ve been feeling bummed about it because I actually lost four followers after I posted it (I have no idea if that’s why, but it’s interesting…). Oh well, I guess not everyone appreciates a dose of reality with their morning coffee. Happy Holidays!
Being a mom to girls presents certain challenges and it’s not always easy. If we want our girls to feel good about themselves it has to start with the way we look in the mirror at ourselves. Thanks for sharing this, you are gorgeous inside and out.
Stephanie, I think you are really brave to post something so honest and personal. Your message is so important for mothers to hear. And not just mothers of daughters, but mothers of sons as well. I spent way too many years struggling with body issues and every day I have to work at being kind to myself. I choose my words carefully when I’m getting dressed or putting make-up on with my two year old son present. I don’t want him to grow up thinking that a woman’s worth is in her looks.
Thanks for sharing your story and your excellent advice!
You are so right, Ann! Not only that, but eating disorders are becoming much more common in the male population as well. Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. Happy Holidays!
Thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I’m a wife, a student, a mom to a 2 year-old boy and a 1 year-old girl, and have struggled with disordered eating for over 5 years. Finding out that I was going to have a daughter was one of the scariest days of my life. I had been riding a roller coaster of health and relapse but that was the day I realized that I needed to stop, I needed to get control, because I refuse to let my demons haunt my children. It has not been easy, most days are still a fight. But I have been at a stable, healthy weight for almost a year and I’m vigilant about how food/eating/health/etc are treated in my home. My baby girl is healthy, sassy, sweet, and, yes, gorgeous just like her brother. Thank you for breaking the stigma about mental health issues, and eds in particular. It’s only by being brave that we can possibly hope to change social norms about body issues, health, and improving our childrens’ self-concepts for the better.
Lindsey, I’m so glad you can relate. It’s nice to feel that you aren’t alone, and I commend anyone who has the courage to fight the battle for the sake of their children and speak openly about this issue! Wishing you all the best in your continued recovery!
BeaUtiful post!! Pinning to remember! There is a “war” for our girls out there… and I just wish and pray that my daughter sees beyond what “THEY” say is perfect and beautiful….. and realizes all that she is!!
Beautiful post, really. I don’t even know you, but feel your bravery and courage and love for your daughter.
I don’t know why you would lose followers for this post??? We all do it and need a little reminder about how our little angels could be affected by our on images of ourselves. I’ve repaid this before but enjoyed the reminder thank you.
Thank you for sharing this - I teared up reading your first few words. I was scared the second I found out I was having a girl for this and for other reasons. Since my daughter has always been heavy, I now fear for her relationship with food and, ultimately, with herself. Thank you for offering support and for being so brave to put your heart out there. Fantastic, inspiring post!
You got me!! welling up here reading your beautiful and honest post. Mental health is a subject very close to my heart and I am moved and inspired by your pure words.
Love and hugs my friend, eleventybillion of them xx
Michelle
Stephanie, thank you so much for your honesty.
It is always good to remember that as parents our behavior influences our kids’ attitudes way more than our words.
Hugs to you, Helen x
What a beautiful (and very brave) post. I whole heartedly agree with everything you write about here. Since having daughters I’ve made a huge effort to never self-criticise in front of them. Having a mother who feels good about themselves is such a gift for our children (even if there are a fair share of moments where I literally have to bite my tongue not to complain about everything from my hair to my waistline). Greetings from Italy, Jillian
Beautiful, Stephanie. So well-written, but also exactly how I felt about having a daughter- I went through the same thing starting at the end of my freshman year of college. It was a struggle for a few years and I am so sickened by the obsession with dieting and scales and counting calories that’s so prevalent in our country. Our poor daughters don’t stand a chance being happy with their bodies when they’re bombarded with all of these messages constantly.
I think I was meant to see your blog today as a reminder that I don’t often enjoy getting. I, too, have struggled with disordered eating since I was 14. I’m now 42 and the mother of two wonderful little girls, thanks to the miracle of IVF. I don’t like to think that the girls notice my habits, but I’m sure they do. I try to justify them-so what if I’m eating something totally different for dinner an hour after they’ve eaten, I’m still eating, right?-but I don’t know if it will be enough. Thank you for the reminder that it takes courage and daily-hourly-reminders to stay on top of this issue.
Stephanie, what a brave, honest, true, heartfelt post. I can’t believe why anyone would ever stop following after reading this! Surely your words are relatable to oh so many women (myself included) - even with no daughters - just one son, I want him to know and to see that I am happy in my skin, ‘flaws’ and all - and to learn that women are more than their looks… Thanks for posting! Your daughter is sure to see a great role model in you:-)